I was doing as usual, venting into the æther of the internet about doubting myself, my work, how it’s now been *two years* since I released Larkspur (etc), and someone pointed out the wonderful term ‘Guilt Spiral.’I think it suits me.
I begin to fret about a sentence or a scene and then I remember how long it’s been since I wrote properly, since I posted on the blog, since I released the first book.. and in about 10 minutes I’m reduced to self-pity and hatred such as I have to go do something, anything, else or I just feel the anxiety strangling me.
This is why I failed several college classes, this is why I don’t write as much as I want to. And in starting any of the work I just bring up all my issues so that I can’t continue. Hell, I had a job for a short while, I was on a probationary month start, and I couldn’t even finish the first assignment.
Months ago now I thought I’d do this ‘Scene’ thing- where I’d just write little short moments and post them here, so you guys could have something to read, and I could relax and feel like I was doing something constructive. I got 1000 words into the first scene and then wanted to tweak it, edit, change stuff.. and then I was late posting it, and maybe it’s better if I don’t even check my blog, I’ll just go… hide under the covers with some fanfiction.
I doubt you subscribed to this blog to hear me whine. I’m sure I’ve written this post, and the posts explaining it, often enough that it’s a bother. I know, it’s driving me up the wall how often I can fall into this self-hating pit. All I want to do is write. Make up amazing, romantic, complex, fantastic stories in worlds that only exist in my head.. but I can’t seem to write three sentences in a week.
And when I do write, those small moments where I can shut everything else off, I love it. I have learned an astounding amount about Clandestina, Pierre, Lizzy, and my world as a whole in working on Delphinium. Things that would not have come up in mere daydreaming, that only worked because I was sitting and typing.
Maybe I need new meds. More meds? I can’t really have someone sit next to me and encourage me every three days when I feel down.
In general though, I am here. I’m alive :p I’m writing, very slowly, but I am.