Doubt

I have OCD and depression. It’s summer, so they’re fairly under control and I’m doing well. But in winter it’s pretty bad, and until recently I wasn’t all that well no matter the time of year. I’m past the worst of it, but before that and after it I still worried about if I was any good as a writer. Regular old self-doubt and low self-esteem. I didn’t know if there was a point to my writing. I didn’t think myself that good at it, or thought that anyone would like it if I did manage to finish anything. Larkspur took me two years to write. It’s a 15K novelette… and for a year and a half all I had was 5K. The ballroom scene, and the latter bedroom one. I added, took away, rewrote.. I wanted it perfect. Eventually I gave myself a hard deadline and forced myself to finish. It took another month after publication to catch all the small errors, and make the cover nice and professional, but I finally did it.

And people like it.

I got my 15th review on amazon.com tonight. Another 5 star. Another stranger who likes my work. That’s not even taking into account goodreads, and the other country amazons.

Most of these are strangers. At the very closest random internet friends. No family, or real-life buddies..  random people think my work has worth. They want to read the next story. I have 21 people at the Delphinium Release party.

I can’t believe how lucky I am that this is falling into place. My silly childhood dream is coming true.

Writing and working on Delphinium right now, I have time and music and tea. And I’m smiling and happy because I know I’m alright. I don’t have to doubt and fret. It’s a really nice feeling.

‘Almost done’

I’ve been ‘almost done’ with Larkspur for months. I thought I’d have it finished by Christmas, then by New Year’s, then by my birthday… and every day has come and gone. I thought I’d finish this week during Spring Break, and with classes on Monday I’m not sure I’ll manage that either.

I’m not trying to lie, or be lazy, or not-write. It just sort of happens. I’m at 11,397 words in a novelette I want to be at least ~15K. 3/4ths of it is done, and I’m happy and proud of it. I just have to wrap it up, come up with a good place to end, and post it on Kindle.

But I can’t get that last 1/4th done. Where I want to end right now will leave me short of my wordcount goal, but adding more for the sake of numbers seems bad. I know the moment I finish this story my ‘real’ writing career starts- and if I want to gain any sort of reader-base I need to write and post regularly. But it’s been taking me years to get this far in Larkspur. I’ve dealt with a lot of self-doubt throughout all this, and come out for the better, but it’s still difficult.

I can’t take years for the next story. Not in this posting-every-other-day internet field. A month between updates and you assume the creator has died, or been kidnapped at least. I need to post a good story every two weeks, or every month, consistently.

I know people who do it, I know it’s very possible. I should be one of those people. I have years of backstory and plots and daydreams that just could do no better than a regular story series.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Back to writing then. Hopefully I’ll be able to post ‘I’m Done!’ in the near future.