Doubt

I have OCD and depression. It’s summer, so they’re fairly under control and I’m doing well. But in winter it’s pretty bad, and until recently I wasn’t all that well no matter the time of year. I’m past the worst of it, but before that and after it I still worried about if I was any good as a writer. Regular old self-doubt and low self-esteem. I didn’t know if there was a point to my writing. I didn’t think myself that good at it, or thought that anyone would like it if I did manage to finish anything. Larkspur took me two years to write. It’s a 15K novelette… and for a year and a half all I had was 5K. The ballroom scene, and the latter bedroom one. I added, took away, rewrote.. I wanted it perfect. Eventually I gave myself a hard deadline and forced myself to finish. It took another month after publication to catch all the small errors, and make the cover nice and professional, but I finally did it.

And people like it.

I got my 15th review on amazon.com tonight. Another 5 star. Another stranger who likes my work. That’s not even taking into account goodreads, and the other country amazons.

Most of these are strangers. At the very closest random internet friends. No family, or real-life buddies..  random people think my work has worth. They want to read the next story. I have 21 people at the Delphinium Release party.

I can’t believe how lucky I am that this is falling into place. My silly childhood dream is coming true.

Writing and working on Delphinium right now, I have time and music and tea. And I’m smiling and happy because I know I’m alright. I don’t have to doubt and fret. It’s a really nice feeling.

Too short

Got a second review on Larkspur today! Another 4 Star, with the same issue as the first—it was short.

It’s only 14.5K. You’re right, it is short. Hopefully a little sweet, and twisted, but short all the same. I’ve been working on Larkspur for 2 years. Not because it was a lot to write, but I couldn’t do more than a few sentences or pages at a time. I rewrote and edited and tried to perfect what I had. And perfection is impossible. So I often decided it was all shit, and I’m a useless writer as well. And while not deleting it, I would leave it entirely alone for days or weeks. Time piled up.

I wanted to finally finish this story and get my work out there. I did that. I’m proud of that.

I do wish it was longer, though. There were things I didn’t have time to write because I set a hard end-date for myself. In some ways that’s ok, the story doesn’t veer off into any subplots. A bit of family, but mostly it’s a short romance.

Spadille, volume 2, will be (I’m hoping) at least 25K. Longer than that maybe. If I can find a rhythm, and work on my thoughts-to-wordcount ratio, maybe I’ll get into the habit of writing a lot fast. Spadille will have more plot threads, more veering off and secondary characters. I think there will be a volume three, and then the ‘Court of Life and Death’ series will end there. I’ll have an omnibus, probably put Larkspur on .99 or free, and start the next series.

Note that when I do finish this series, it is not the last of Pierre, Clandestina, or necrocræft. I have a lot of stories to tell in that realm, about that family, extended family, and all the rest. A stand-alone story about Ophion and how he met his adopted daughter, Eglė, is in the works as well.

So yes, in a few months, when Spadille is out (and the third volume), Larkspur will just be your first taste. The undertone of flowers and blood that leads you to more, and does not promise something that is yet out of reach.